3-2-1 ... "See Ya!"

This summer we took a short trip to Sesame Place in Pennsylvania. We happened upon a ride called "Blast Off" that raises you into the air only to drop you over and over again. I was thankful that my pregnancy prohibited me from riding. I don't like heights and I especially don't like falling from them. Jeff decided he and Grace would ride and, I admit, I thought it was a terrible idea. In my mind, there was no way my little girl would not be in hysterics the first time the ride dropped her and she got the feeling of falling. Much to my surprise, I was wrong. She exited the ride laughing hysterically and asked to ride it again the next day. It was a moment where I had to hit refresh on what I thought I knew about my kid. It was the first time that I really felt her gaining independence from me and I found that both relieving and really disturbing!


We had another "Blast off" moment today, this one a bit more momentous. As I type this, Grace is at pre-school...her first day. We've spent months preparing, reassuring Grace that it would be fun, that she'd make new friends, learn a lot, have great snacks and that, after 2 and a half hours, Mommy would be back to pick her up. Our morning played out as planned -- wake up, get dressed, do hair, have breakfast, brush teeth, take some pictures and out the door. The part that had my stomach doing flips was the goodbye once we got to school. Unbeknownst to Grace, I cried quietly in the front seat the whole way there. I composed myself before we went in, said hello to her teachers, hung up her backpack...and Grace was off playing in the "kitchen" (not suprising to anyone who knows Grace!). As parents started to trickle out, I knew it was time to make my move. My stomach was in a knot and I was holding back tears, but I somehow eeked out, "Grace, Mommy's going to go now." I braced myself for the response. Would she cry? Would she cling to me and beg me not to go? Would she make it impossible for me to leave? Or would she do exactly what she did: not even look up from shopping cart she was now pushing around and say, so simply, "See ya." I simultaneously let out a breath of relief ... and yet I felt as though I was punched in the stomach.

When I was eighteen years old and left my parents' house for my first day of college, my mom stood in front of the door in the kitchen and refused to let me out despite my pleas to her not to make me late for my first class, World Civilizations. As she held her arms pasted across the door shouting, "You can't leave! I won't let you go!" I was annoyed and amused, but I definitely felt ready to physically remove my mother from my path so that I could get on with my education ... and my life. My mom, she wasn't ready. I didn't get that at the time, but I sure do get it now.

I always understood my relationship to Grace in this way: I am her mother. This means that my primary jobs are to protect her, provide for her, and teach her things she needs to know so that she can become an independent, responsible, and caring individual. I guess I didn't realize that there would be so much for me to learn about her, about my own mother, and about myself. As she has helped me to define my role as "Mommy," I realize I've come to rely on her to need me so that I can fulfill that role. In the moment today where she said "see ya," she didn't need me, and in that moment, I felt a little lost. So today I also hit refresh on what it means to be a mom and, as difficult as it is, I see that being a mom sometimes means letting go.

grace makes snow on march 23rd so worth it!

Grace: Mom, come here I have to tell you something! Winter came back!

Me: Where did Spring go?

Grace: Winter fell on top of it.

Poetic, don't you think!?

Scrolling

Entering the 2nd trimester with "Thing 2" (a moniker used with the utmost affection), I don't sleep much these days. I wake up at 3:00 am and toss and turn until morning, trying unsucceedingly to light upon a thought that will give me some peace and lull me back to sleep. This morning, a memory occurred to me...sort of out of the blue. Don't brace yourself--it's not earth-shattering.

I was maybe 7 years old. It was a time in my life where I spent a lot of time with Nonnie. At any opportunity I had, I'd spend both weekend nights at her hourse. Anyway, it was a snapshot memory. I was watering her grass in the back yard. The sun was just going down, but it was still warm (Nonnie never watered her grass during the day; the water would just "burn off" in the sun). I meticulously covered ever square inch with the fine spray from the hose, glad to be doing it "all by myself." Angelo and Lillian were out in their yard, picking grapes or some such thing. Nonnie and the neighbors chat over the space that was their shared driveway.

I told you--nothing dramatic. But I had this thought that it was a lifetime ago. Another world that I was in at 7 years old, so remote and so different from the one I live in now. Where Alice, the upstairs tenant of Angelo and Lillian, could be single at 32 years old, have hair trailing down her back to her butt, walk to her job at the Super Duper every day...and be seen simply as a "nice lady" with no baggage, no story. Just a “nice lady.”

The thing that got me as I lay in bed this morning is that it wasn’t another world or a lifetime ago. It was a day. One day that was connected to today by all the other days in between. I hate to get too esoteric here, but it gave me a new way of thinking about my life, if even for a moment. It made me wonder when it happens that we stop seeing our days connected to all the other days? When do stories become separated by gulfs, with all that’s in between falling into hopeless irrelevancy? And what does that necessitate that we overlook?

Thoughts at 3:00 am rarely make a lot of sense…though they seem so wise at the time! I’m going to chew on this for a while…

Silly God

Grace, if there's ever a time when you're praying for something to happen or for God to do something for you, pay close attention and He just might give you the tools to do it for yourself. Isn't that God "silly?!"

Watching Time Fly

Grace has taken to clock-watching lately, fascinated by the way a number changes every 60 seconds. This morning as she helped me prepare a scrambled egg for her breakfast (she hands me an egg, helps me pour the milk into the bowl, adds cheese and stirs), she noticed the zero on the clock in the time 8:30. "Mom, there's a zero! What do you think the zero will turn into?" I asked her what she thought. She replied: "I think a one. Let's watch!" I laughed, stood there holding her and patiently waited for it to become 8:31. She then asked, "What do you think the one will turn into?" and answered her own question, "Two." She said again, "Let's watch!" So we stood in front of the stove for several minutes simply watching time pass. That is, until I became a little disturbed by the idea that we were watching time pass before us.


Grace, at two years three months, measures time by changes of numbers on a clock. What she doesn't realize yet is that whether she's watching or not, time is going to fly. Today she is distracted by Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, her books, and her kitchen set. Before she knows it it will be lunch time, nap time, bedtime. Before she knows it today will be gone. It will be Christmas, springtime, her birthday, kindergarten. This is what I thought of as we watched the clock--that while she wants to see time move, I want it to stand still so I can make scrambled eggs with my little munchkin forever.

My brother's quote on his Facebook page is a line from Ferris Bueller's Day Off that says, "Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while you could miss it." What wisdom! I so appreciate that Grace brought that to my attention today. It's so easy to become absorbed in ouselves--our happiness, our exhaustion, our responsibilities, our fun, our jobs, our feelings...our pride--that we forget that the world is happening. Now. The people we love are aging, changing, the happy moments are fleeting, and we have to be a part of it. Now. Because there is no guarantee of tomorrow. And even if there were, it would be gone before we know it. And once it's gone, we can never get it back.

8:32...8:33...8:34.....

My Terrific Two-Year-Old

Happy birthday Gracie! You are two years old today! Daddy said to me, "Can you believe our nut is two already? It was just yesterday that she was born!" But even moreso this year than last, I can't believe there was ever a time when I didn't know you.

We had a wonderful day! You woke up to pink balloons all over the kitchen table, presents, and a platter full of PINK cupcakes (to go with your favorite new book, Pinkalicious). We had cupcakes for breakfast (and french toast too) and then headed out for the zoo. You had a great time there looking at all of the animals, pushing the stroller yourself, and playing in the water in front of the otter habitat. We had Happy Meals for lunch and you gobbled up chicken nuggets and fries. After that, we went swimming with grandpa. At one point, you were on the steps in the pool and you pushed yourself up onto your arms so your legs were floating out behind you and you yelled, "I'm flying!" That cracked me right up! When we got back into the house and got dressed, it started to rain and I just couldn't resist--I took you back outside to dance in the rain. We spun in circles, ran around, danced, and tried to catch raindrops on our tongues and just when we were really getting crazy, the sun came out! So I pushed you around on your new tricycle while Daddy hit some golf balls. We went back in and you played with your new kitchen set for a while, "cooking" onions, tomatoes, and cauliflower with your oven mit on. We had pizza with grandma and grandpa (and a little broccoli just to keep it a little bit healthy!), sang happy birthday with candles in your cupcake, and headed out to Sprinkles to end the day with--what else?--ice cream! You were a busy little two-year-old today and I hope that it's just a sampling of the fun you will have every day of your terrific two's!

Happy birthday, my sweet little girl. You amaze me more and more every day. I promise to work really hard this year to make sure that you are amazed by your parents and the world too!

Silly Mommy

Grace: I saw a bluebird!

Mommy: You did?! What color was it?

Grace: YELLOOOW!!!

I guess silly questions deserve silly answers!