Heart Without Walls

I awoke this morning to a status update from one of my Facebook friends asking for prayers for a little baby boy, Judah, who was just born with a heart defect and will be undergoing a long, difficult surgery today. Apparently, his heart has no walls.

Along with his post was a picture of the boy with his family. I looked at the mom, clearly broken but still smiling, and thought of our own bumpy beginning with Zara. To be clear, Zara had a fever, not a heart defect. Three days at Strong and she was good to go. But man, I think the pain any mom feels seeing her baby all wired and poked is both equal and boundless. When I looked at her during that period, she was so quiet and peaceful, so fragile and helpless, yet so resilient and strong. I knew that this was going to be a kid to be proud of. To see her climbing (and falling) running (and bumping), talking (and screeching), there isn't even a trace of that sick little baby. Instead, she always comes with pure joy in tow ... and a touch of wreckless abandon. And I was right. This is a kid to be proud of.

Giving thanks for my healthy kids and prayers for baby Judah and his family. Once that defect is repaired, his heart-without-walls is going to be a really beautiful thing.

friends & biscotti

Yesterday I came home to a Ziplock bag on the counter filled with homemade biscotti, several Tazo Chai teabags, and a note from my friend, Melissa. To make it even better, when I had my biscotti with my coffee this morning, I discovered the entire underside was chocolate. Today I am thankful for a good friend & good biscotti...it doesn't get much better.

oh canada!

As I write this, I am in Vancouver for a conference. I am at the Westin hotel looking at this from my wall of windows:

Yesterday I rode up Grouse Mountain in a Gondola and had dinner at the top looking out to mountains, ocean, and city skyline. It was breathtaking....one of those moments where you really learn your place in the world and realize just what a teeny tiny speck you are. As I looked at the pristine landscape, I just kept thinking over and over, 'Here is proof that God exists in the world.'

It's such a relief to feel small sometimes and to realize the inevitability of your own limitations. It's like, I don't have control over the world or even my world, I'm not that powerful; of course I'm going to be imperfect, insecure, and fail sometimes. It takes a weight off my shoulders to understand that with clarity. Being here for a research conference, you meet a lot of people with very inflated senses of themselves because their name is in print a lot of times. The beauty of my surroundings along with the companionship of colleagues and friends has really trivialized that for me. This beauty--that's what matters. Our great conversations, sharing of stories, laughter, Skyping with Jeff, Grace and Zara; setting goals, making plans, promising myself to be more fun, to be happier, to live more simply and to be more thankful--this is what matters.

I'm really thankful for this experience...a chance to get away and chill out, to connect with people, and learn a little more about what makes a good life.

right in my backyard

As I was driving today from the dry cleaners in Avon to meet my friend, Karla, for lunch in Geneseo, I came upon the 5 Arch Bridge on Route 39. I've driven past a few times before, but this time I saw the river sparkling in the sunlight and was compelled to check it out. I think this will be a great place to bring the kids this summer--especially Grace--for a picnic and some frolicking in the river. It's funny to me that I used to assume that there was nothing to do "out in the sticks" and that it would be boring to live "out in the middle of nowhere." But there's a lot of beauty out here. Some of it is right under my nose and easily overlooked as I hurry from here to there. I'm thankful that I slowed down today to take it in, and I can't wait to share it with my peeps.

I may not have been very good at fasting this Good Friday, but what I ate in chicken I made up for in thankfulness to God for this serene landscape and the beautiful area that I call home.

another story by grace

The other day Grace wanted to tell me a story. I was just telling my students about it, and I realize that it's a great one to capture here. It went something like this:

"Once upon a time there was a king. And the king said very naughty things to the boy. He said, 'stupid,' then he said, 'ugly,' and theeeen he said, 'dammit.'

At that point I said, "Grace! You shouldn't say those words. Let's think of some other words we can think of to say instead of 'dammit.' There's 'darn it,' there's--

Grace cut me off. "But Mommy," she said, "You told me I can say those words if I'm telling you what someone else said!"

She got me :)

I am so thankful that, in her innocence, she has such a profound ability to make me laugh.

happy 16th birthday to natalie

Sixteen years ago today, I became an aunt to the sweetest, smartest, cutest child--Natalie Evelina.

At that point in my life, I loved this little girl as much as I could love any child. It was Natalie who actually gave me my first taste of what it would be like to be a mom. When I was only sixteen years old myself, I would babysit her on Tuesday nights when Kim and Italo would play in their dart league. She was just a tiny little baby and I would just sit and hold her, not quite sure of what else you were supposed to do with a tiny little baby. And when she cried--boy did she cry--I had absolutely no idea what to do with her. One night I even had to call in backup (my dad!). I realize now that the poor child was probably just hungry--whoops! Live and learn :)

I am amazed at how fast time flies and at the fact that she's sixteen years old already, but I am even more amazed by the young woman that she has become. She is smart, sharp-witted, multi-talented, and oh so very beautiful. In so many ways, she is just a bigger and better version of little girl that she once was. Natalie, here's hoping that you never completely change but continue to become a better version of yourself in the years to come.

Happy birthday, Natty. Today--and all days--I am so thankful that you were born.

snuggle bugs

This morning when Zara woke up, I changed her diaper and then brought her back into our bedroom for some Mommy-Daddy snuggle time (because my eyes simply were not yet ready to be open!). A few minutes later, Grace strolled in--barefoot in zebra striped pajamas, her hair a wild, curly mess, a grin on her face when she saw the three of us in our bed. Usually these days when I try to get Grace to snuggle for a bit in the morning, she won't have it. She's always ready to be doing anything but resting. She always has a plan for her day...one that typically includes storytelling, coloring, drawing, and general mess-making, and one that is usually different from whatever it is that I have in mind. Anyway, I think it was seeing Zara with a prominent place in snuggle-town that let Grace be broken down and coerced into bed. At one point she and Zara had their foreheads pressed together, both laughing (I wasn't quick enough for the photo, unfortunately). Too cute.

So this is how Jeff and I spent the first 10 minutes of our day today: in bed with our girls, giggling & being silly, and talking about what the day would bring. What it brought for me was a chaotic, confusing, and highly politicized day at work where very little work actually got done. And in the midst of it, I remembered our earliest moments today and I remembered what's really important.

I am thankful today for the brief moments of connection & peace--our morning snuggle-time--that help keep life's most mundane and frustrating moments in perspective.