learning grace

Today I found out that I may not have a job as of May 2014 as a result of budget cuts.  It made me realize how much I really like the work I do and I how much I enjoy working at this institution, with these colleagues and these students.  I feel a little sad about the prospect of losing my job ... but I also feel really thankful, at this point, for these past four years. 

More importantly, I'm so thankful for this feeling I have that--no matter what--it's going to be okay.  I have a good team in Jeff and the girls and a lot of faith that if this door closes, it's going to open to something just as rewarding.  I just don't know what that might be...

why i like Lent

...because it asks us as Catholics to do something in a real and physical way.  I mean, I suppose practicing any faith requires that you do stuff (for example: tithe, give thanks, love one another, etc.) but I am finding that the challenge of fasting, of sacrificing a vice and even the act of wearing ashes on my forehead on Ash Wednesday helps me to feel like I'm taking a more active role on my journey toward closeness with Jesus.  I kind of like the responsibility of having to do stuff for God.

I am thankful for the rituals that seem cRaZy!!! that have become deeply symbolic for me and help me to feel part of a community that is holy and sacred. 

the real scary stuff

I write this two days after having found out that a high school friend passed away suddenly from a "terrible virus," leaving behind a husband and two small, beautiful children.  To put it simply, the whole thing has me incredibly freaked out ... terrified, really.

Each night of late, before we settle in to read bedtime stories, Grace needs to make sure there are "no scary parts" in the books she has chosen.  If the book is a Tangled chapter book on loan from the library, she wants to be sure that Mother Gothel is not in the chapter we'll be reading.  Tonight, she considered whether the bee that flies into the rabbit's mouth in The Whispering Rabbit was scary enough to warrant a decision not to read it.

It occurred to me tonight how different the things that scare me are from the things that scare my kids. I am in awe of and incredibly thankful for the fact that Grace's biggest fears are of things that don't actually exist, like Disney villians or a grumpy neighbor in Ivy & Bean. 

I so wish I could protect them from ever having to fear anything greater.  Like real life.

Heart Without Walls

I awoke this morning to a status update from one of my Facebook friends asking for prayers for a little baby boy, Judah, who was just born with a heart defect and will be undergoing a long, difficult surgery today. Apparently, his heart has no walls.

Along with his post was a picture of the boy with his family. I looked at the mom, clearly broken but still smiling, and thought of our own bumpy beginning with Zara. To be clear, Zara had a fever, not a heart defect. Three days at Strong and she was good to go. But man, I think the pain any mom feels seeing her baby all wired and poked is both equal and boundless. When I looked at her during that period, she was so quiet and peaceful, so fragile and helpless, yet so resilient and strong. I knew that this was going to be a kid to be proud of. To see her climbing (and falling) running (and bumping), talking (and screeching), there isn't even a trace of that sick little baby. Instead, she always comes with pure joy in tow ... and a touch of wreckless abandon. And I was right. This is a kid to be proud of.

Giving thanks for my healthy kids and prayers for baby Judah and his family. Once that defect is repaired, his heart-without-walls is going to be a really beautiful thing.

friends & biscotti

Yesterday I came home to a Ziplock bag on the counter filled with homemade biscotti, several Tazo Chai teabags, and a note from my friend, Melissa. To make it even better, when I had my biscotti with my coffee this morning, I discovered the entire underside was chocolate. Today I am thankful for a good friend & good biscotti...it doesn't get much better.

oh canada!

As I write this, I am in Vancouver for a conference. I am at the Westin hotel looking at this from my wall of windows:

Yesterday I rode up Grouse Mountain in a Gondola and had dinner at the top looking out to mountains, ocean, and city skyline. It was breathtaking....one of those moments where you really learn your place in the world and realize just what a teeny tiny speck you are. As I looked at the pristine landscape, I just kept thinking over and over, 'Here is proof that God exists in the world.'

It's such a relief to feel small sometimes and to realize the inevitability of your own limitations. It's like, I don't have control over the world or even my world, I'm not that powerful; of course I'm going to be imperfect, insecure, and fail sometimes. It takes a weight off my shoulders to understand that with clarity. Being here for a research conference, you meet a lot of people with very inflated senses of themselves because their name is in print a lot of times. The beauty of my surroundings along with the companionship of colleagues and friends has really trivialized that for me. This beauty--that's what matters. Our great conversations, sharing of stories, laughter, Skyping with Jeff, Grace and Zara; setting goals, making plans, promising myself to be more fun, to be happier, to live more simply and to be more thankful--this is what matters.

I'm really thankful for this experience...a chance to get away and chill out, to connect with people, and learn a little more about what makes a good life.

right in my backyard

As I was driving today from the dry cleaners in Avon to meet my friend, Karla, for lunch in Geneseo, I came upon the 5 Arch Bridge on Route 39. I've driven past a few times before, but this time I saw the river sparkling in the sunlight and was compelled to check it out. I think this will be a great place to bring the kids this summer--especially Grace--for a picnic and some frolicking in the river. It's funny to me that I used to assume that there was nothing to do "out in the sticks" and that it would be boring to live "out in the middle of nowhere." But there's a lot of beauty out here. Some of it is right under my nose and easily overlooked as I hurry from here to there. I'm thankful that I slowed down today to take it in, and I can't wait to share it with my peeps.

I may not have been very good at fasting this Good Friday, but what I ate in chicken I made up for in thankfulness to God for this serene landscape and the beautiful area that I call home.