phew, that was a close one

Yesterday was Memorial Day. It was a perfect day in every sense. Not a cloud in the sky, warm--but not too warm, on the river with my family who seldom co-exists in harmony but yesterday got along well, laughing over food, drinks, and boat rides. To make it more perfect, it was an entire day spent with Jeff and Grace without any responsibilities or hassels. Grace took her first boat ride which she would have emjoyed more had she not been so tired; she actually fell asleep toward the end. Uncle Italo went really fast, bouncing us around a bit on others' wakes (he insisted he didn't do it on purpose, but I know him too well to believe that!). She played with Natalie and Genna in the grass, ate way too many Gerber Graduate Puffs, and loved watching the flags on the marina flap in the light breeze.

I wrote when I began blogging that being pregnant was an opportunity for me to look forward and reflect back on my life at the same time. Yesterday presented me with another interesting opportunity to do that. In fact, I would even say that this perfect day was really contextualized in my past--a past that, had I not lived it in the precise way that I did, I could not be as content and as blessed as I feel that I am now with the life I have today. (Okay, just a warning. I'm about to venture back into my pre-Jeff life).

You see, our picnic was at Sandy Beach Yacht Club where Italo is a member. For several years before I met Jeff, I dated M., whose family also belongs there. While dating M. I spent many summer days at that club. So I was not completely surprised when we arrived yesterday to see M. and his family also enjoying the beautiful spring day on the river. Everyone was pleasant (with the exception of M. and his sister J. who have a penchant for being UNpleasant), "hellos" and "how are yous" were exchanged, with many remarks on how beautiful our little Gracie is. This run-in, thankfully, did little to hamper our day or dampen my spirits. Instead, it made me realize what my life could have been in the context of what it is now. The issues that led to the ending of my relationship with M.(which I won't recount here) were very much present yesterday, and I could see that even from far across the large patio and empty tables that separated us. I couldn't help think--if even for a fleeting moment--about what my life could have been had I not ended that relationship when I did. Would I have been sitting at that table, with those people on this very day? I felt as though I'd narrowly escaped a wreck. Like when you're driving and accidently cut someone off on the thruway. They get mad and give you the finger, but all you can do is thank God that He protected you from a life-altering collision.

As I watched Jeff holding Grace as she whined in the warm sun I couldn't help but to thank God. I thanked God for M.'s "issues" that had a hand in moving me to Warsaw, for the complexities of that relatioship that allowed me to see the good, the kind, and the wonderful in Jeff, and for every life experience--bad and good--that put me right where I am now.

There are many lessons to be learned in this crazy life. Some lessons are learned years and years after a life-changing event--we can only see pain at the time, but when we look back we see that it was all a giant blessing in disguise. Our biggest hearbreaks can turn out to be life's greatest blessings. In my early 20s, the most hurt I had ever been was in the let-down of learning who M. really was. Pushing 30 now, I can see that there has been no blessing in my life greater than my husband and my daughter. And without the heartbreaks that got me here, I could never have achieved so much happiness.

my first gracie heartbreak

One of Gracie's favorite books is about a little bunny who is playing hide and seek with his mommy but has trouble finding an appropriate hiding place. It's kind of a stupid book because the bunny never really finds a hiding place, but his mommy says at the end, "Little bunny, aren't you smart? Finding you is my favorite part!" Anyway. I always interject the phrase, "But thank you anyway" when bunny tells one of his friends why he is unable to hide with them. I do this because I really want Grace to learn to be polite and have manners. It's something that is so easy to forget as we rush through the daily craziness of life. I never really gave much thought, however, to the fact that other people may not always show her politeness in kind.

The other day at the library there was a cute little girl, around 2 or 3 years old, playing quietly with a stuffed frog. Gracie eyed up that frog and made her approach. But as she crawled closer and closer to the frog, the little girl pulled the frog further and further away from Grace. I think Grace thought it was a game. She'd sit for a moment just looking at the girl, a little confused, and then make her move again, only to have the frog pulled away. I sat watching from the other side of the colorful rug. And my heart broke. I don't think Grace knew that the girl didn't want her anywhere near her frog, but I knew. And seeing that Grace didn't get mad, that she persisted and, maybe, wondered why she couldn't get that frog made me want to yell across the rug at the little girl's mommy, "Hey! Make youre kid share, would you!?"

Ultimately, Grace ended up with the frog, but that really isn't the point of my story. Nor is my point to say the little girl was naughty. She wasn't. She was just being 2 or 3 years old, probably accustomed to having to fight for her stuff since she had a big brother only slightly older than herself. My point is that I never realized how much it would hurt to see my baby having to fend for herself in a world that is not always kind. I've written in this blog several times about how my greatest wishes for Gracie are that she treats people with kindness, that she's thoughtful and caring when it comes to the feelings and needs of others. But what about how she deals with the cruelty that will inevitably befall her in life?

I realize cruelty is a strong word when talking about kids not sharing their toys, but isn't this how it all starts? The gateway drug into bullyiing and gossip--true evils that any school aged kid will be subject to at one time or another. It's funny. I would never wish to go back to the times in my life when I felt victimized by a bully, mean words, kids unwilling to share--and God knows there were many. But I'd live those moments over every day if it meant that Gracie would never have to.

miss personality

Well, today was Grace's first school-like experience. We went to the library for Books and Babies, where babies sat on their moms' laps and sang songs, played clapping games, and listened to the librarian read a fun book. That is, most of the babies sat on their moms' laps...but not Gracie. Instead, Grace crawled around on the colorful rug, examining the bright letters and shapes in it, approaching other babies and waving at them, and then getting into her downward dog yoga pose to check out the view of the other moms from between her legs. I was at a bit of a loss. Do I go after her, rein her in? Or do I let Gracie be Gracie? I chose the latter. My baby is definitely an explorer! I'm so glad that she loves to engage with the world--to touch it, taste it, and knock it right over--rather than to sit as an obedient bystander.